Hearing Aids, Methamphetamine, and a Handful of Goldfish

Last week I'm at the doctor's office for my semi-annual check in and I finally figured out why I hate doctors. You have all been there before...sign in, sit down, get up, sit back down, talk to the doctor, and pay. Rarely do you ever feel better after a visit to the doctor. In fact, most of the time they find something else wrong with you. And to top it all off, they get you to come back again and again. When does the madness end?

So, I'm sitting in the waiting room with about seven other people. Maybe I'm crazy, but every single time I have to be stuck alone in a waiting room I'm always around the same people. You've got the young couple who can't keep their hands of one another, Mommy and her stupid son who won't shut up about how smart he is and how cool 4th grade will be, an old drug addict who is so zooted out of his mind he doesn't know where he is, and then finally the lovable old woman and her husband.

Where do I start with this one? Each group in the waiting room is just so tempting...how about the lovable young couple. Now I realize I've been in this group before and I know all the feelings of love that suddenly come over you and you need to just touch and tickle and all that crap, but seriously take that stuff somewhere else. I seriously can't stand these kids because they think they can conquer the world with their "love" for one another. Gag me! Give'em three months and see how much loving is going on after that. With any luck they will break up and the whole world can laugh at their pain. Just kidding, but seriously PDA is just not cool. The only possible redeeming quality for this group is if they are both incredibly ugly, fat, stink, and/or white trash. Any combo of the four will suffice my entertainment needs.

*Looks like the next doctor visit will be to Planned Parenthood/Women's Clinic.*

Now for the Mommy / Son combo. The Mom isn't always all that bad and she almost always has snacks and juice boxes, but she is just a little over protective of her son and the kid shows it. He wouldn't know whether to shit or do flips if she went to the bathroom without him. I dare say that he is still going to the women's bathroom at the mall with his MAMA! I've been in this kids situation...when I was five. While Mom sits there waiting patiently, pretending to acknowledge her son's every comment, she is probably thinking, "I can't wait to get some Benadryl in this kid so I can get some peace and quiet." I can't blame her. That little nerd has flipped through every single magazine and book in the waiting room, showing his mom the pictures and attempting to read aloud. Reading is a good thing, but I really don't want to hear this kid stumble over every word and sound out words like Diflucan, toxic shock syndrome, and all that other weird stuff in the girl magazines. Did I mention that she held a tissue up to his nose while he blew snot and boogers into it?

*The doctor's office isn't the place to have "THE TALK."*

The Rx drug addicts come in a close second in this race for my favorite people in the waiting room. These guys are just rough looking. I guess that's what a 20 year addicition to crack/heroin, plus a new fix on methedone will do to you. More times than not they stink like crap, cigarettes, and b.o. because, lets face it who has time to shower when you are smoking crack? I personally don't know what I like more, the constant rocking or the twitching fingers and itchy skin. These guys are just seeing the doctor to get their next fix and that's sad, but at the sametime its funny because these people will steal, lie, cheat, or all of the above to get their next hit of OxyContin or whatever they need. Hold on, that's more sad than funny...but I'm still going to laugh.

*Shit, shower, and shave. Not smoke crack, shit pants, stink for days.*

The gold medal goes to the old couple. If you are lucky enough to not catch them napping you will probably get caught in the middle of conversation that is 9 times out of 10 about someone else in the office. As most of you know, old people can't hear at all. So, with that being said I'm sure you can probably figure out that the voice levels of this group are a little above normal. Instead of whispering quietly about how the girl in the corner has questionable morals, they manage to discuss the matter at level even the receptionist can hear. When I get to be that age and I'm at the doctor's office with my wife I'm going to turn down my hearing aide. Hopefully a couple well placed nods every couple of minutes will be enough to make her thinking I'm listening.

*Nobody cares how you used to do things before the war, so pipe down before I break your hip.*

I'm out.